Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
