If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
How's work?
Spinning.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
