I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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