hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
