i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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