I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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