girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
