When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Slut skills are useful in every country.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
