i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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