I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
