I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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