Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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