there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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