This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
