she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
