Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
