Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
