Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
