It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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