She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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