Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
be right there i have to get my cape
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
