there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
