Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
