oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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