Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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