it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i drank out of a bidet.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I got inside last night via doggy door
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
