Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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