I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
