dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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