I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
