it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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