Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
