Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He shit in the fireplace
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