if only i could text you this smell
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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