Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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