Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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