pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
