i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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