i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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