On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
