I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
