Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
