I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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