McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
