and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
