Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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