My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
