yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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