I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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