May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
